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Zombie Bride

‘Bride’ with pot drives into N.H. pond

GILFORD, N.H. (AP) — A woman wearing a wedding dress and parked beside a pond drove into the water Wednesday after officers tried to take a bag of marijuana from her, police said.

First of all, that’s some serious junkie behavior there. If you’re pulling a stunt like that, you should be sucking on a crack pipe with a syringe dangling from between your toes. There should be an empty boxed wine container lying on the passenger’s seat, and she should have recently sold her baby to pay off her pimp. And lastly, there should be an untouched piece of wedding cake sitting on the dashboard, its only blemish being the salty residue from her tears.

Secondly and more importantly, that must have been some seriously good weed to decide that it was worth sacrificing your car to keep from losing your dime bag.

When the state fish and game conservation officers and a nearby resident tried to rescue the woman from her sinking sport-utility vehicle, she bit the neighbor on the arm, authorities said.

That actually makes sense. You have to figure that if the weed was that amazing, that she must have had a serious case of the munchies. That guy’s arm must have looked like one of those giant chicken legs usually reserved for kings and cavemen.

The other possibility that you would have to consider is that she may be a zombie bride. If that is the case, the weed was probably used to satiate her thirst for brains.

The 42-year-old woman was eventually taken to shore, then to a hospital, police said. It was not immediately known whether she was hurt or what her condition was.

If I’m right that she’s a zombie bride, her condition is probably deceased. Baked and hungry are two other possibilities, and the wedding dress indicates a delicious blend of remorse, fear, and false hope.

The conservation officers were checking on the woman, who was parked alone by Saltmarsh Pond in eastern New Hampshire. She became upset and reached for a bag of marijuana, police said. When one of the officers tried to grab the bag, the woman drove off, speeding around the parking lot and then into the water.

If the officer asked politely, I’m sure she would have shared a blunt. As long as he didn’t get greedy and hold for too long without passing, there wouldn’t have been a problem.

She will be charged with reckless conduct, simple assault, driving after suspension and transporting a controlled drug, police said.

She just got married. Isn’t that punishment enough?

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