Copyright 2015 Jesse Gersten | All Rights Reserved.

GetRDone Baby Jesus

A short time ago, near a trailer park far far away, a woman gave birth in a Wal-Mart. A more heartwarming way to be welcomed into this wondrous world of ours I couldn’t fathom. I can only begin to imagine all the spellbinding and historic life events this magical baby has in front of him. Oh…to witness such a precious gift being given to the world. The only thing better would be if the baby also happened to be delivered on Christmas. What a delightfully convenient place to deliver a baby. You have discounted knives in the sporting goods department, which would be ideal to cut the umbilical cord. The giant colorful moo-moos in the ladies department could double as a perfectly fitted hospital gown. Plastic white trash Budweiser kiddie pools make an underwater delivery more than just a dream reserved for literate city folk. The kitchen department has readily available cutting boards and tiny shrimp gutting knives for the circumcision, and the owner of the store may or may not be present which would provide the only Jew within 100 miles, but that would still be enough local Jew necessary to conduct the ceremony. The professional photographer could be paged to the delivery to get some close-up shots of the baby’s deformed head with bulging eyeballs as his first sight in this world is the big President’s Day sale display of Paris Hilton’s bestselling novel entitled “No really, i AM smartur than Anna Nicole”. The post-surgical meal would be a scrumptious combination of Spam sandwiches, not-so-kosher hot dogs, expired tuna mixed with white ice cream, and a big mug filled with Sam’s Soda. The dyslexic returns department could write out the most authentic looking Percocet prescriptions south of the pain clinic. You’d have dozens of half-retarded spectators to cheer on the equally half-retarded delivery team. It could be the pilot episode of A&E’s new hit reality show “The Down Syndrome Doctors”, which will be airing every Monday at 10 following the story of an up-and-coming bowling alley being run by Jeff Gillooly and John Bobbitt called “Betcha Bobbillooly”. And to top it all off, you have an illegal immigrant getting paid $2.37 an hour, just salivating at the opportunity to clear isle 5 of all birthing fluids.

All this while having the distinct pleasure of getting to listen to the Wal-Mart exclusive Larry the Cable Guy Christmas album entitled, “Get-R-Done, Baby Jesus!”

The whole delivery would cost less than $17. What more could you ask for? I’m going to have all my babies delivered at Wal-Mart.

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