Copyright 2015 Jesse Gersten | All Rights Reserved.

Rabid Moose Donut Holes


About 8 or 9 years ago, I was doing a show up in Lake Sonapee, New Hampshire, at some sort of Golf resort in a restaurant/lounge that members and locals congregate at. I went up with Lamont Price.

I did about 25 minutes and had an amazing set. The crowd was awesome that night. Lamont had a Long Island Iced Tea which caused him to be a bit boisterous as he wasn’t the biggest drinker at the time. My 3 favorite people to see drunk are Lamont, Nipsey Russell, and Mini Me. People up in Maine and New Hampshire love that kind of thing as they don’t run into many black people up there, so it has a kind of novelty effect to it. Only occasionally will they see black people while they’re flipping through the channels and they go happen to pass the WB while looking for a NASCAR race.

After the show, we had to follow the guy who put the show on, Chappy, back to his house to get paid. This was maybe 20 minutes away so we didn’t get to head home until maybe 1 in the morning.

As we got more and more lost driving all around New Hampshire, we hit some sort of rotary. That was the point when I saw the sirens behind us. Good god we’re in trouble now. In New Hampshire, a cop could be asleep in his cruiser, and if a car with a black guy drives by, the sirens will come on automatically, like a racially insensitive Kit from Knight Rider. I figured we were definitely getting lynched so I immediately told a still tipsy Lamont that I was probably going to tell the cop that he was jacking me and jump out frantically thanking the cop for rescuing me. Lamont figured I was joking.

So the trooper headed over to my window and said in a voice that sounded like a black comic impersonating a white guy “Er, you guys were doing 32 in a 25. Where are you headed?” I told him that we were comics and we just did a show at Lake Sonapee and were headed back to Boston and were currently lost. I also let him know that if he could point us in the right direction, it would be greatly appreciated. He then started shining the flashlight around the car looking for any excuse to take us in, or more likely, to take us into the woods to beat and sodomize us with his billy club before leaving us naked and handcuffed to a tree to be slowly eaten alive by a pack of rabid moose. He told us that we were being taped, and said “Lake Sonopee is in the direction you’re headed, so that makes no sense at all” (apparently to this super trooper, the whole concept of getting lost was as confusing as the hole in the middle of a donut). As he continued to shine his giant flashlight around the car he asked, “what are you trying to hide?” I reiterated my original story to which he replied, “Your story holds no water, what are you trying to hide from me?” He asked for my license, which I gave him. He asked again what we were trying to hide before asking us to exit the vehicle. We are so dead, I was thinking at this point. Pitch black in the middle of New Hampshire and we’re stuck behind my car with a cop who refused to believe anything I was saying. And of any comic to be stuck with, it has to be Lamont.

When we reached the back of my car, the trooper shined the light in my face and said “I’m gonna ask you boys one last time, what are you trying to hide?” Again, I told him nothing, to which he replied (and this is one of my favorite comments anyone has ever made to me):

“Alright, you’re a comic? Tell me a joke.”

YES!!

I must have made Lamont wet himself when without any warning I ran to the side of my car to open the back door so I could unzip a bag to pull out a prop. I did a joke using Jewel’s poetry book and for some unknown reason, decided that this would be an appropriate bit in this particular situation. How I managed that move without getting whacked across the back of my thick Jewish scull still escapes me to this very day. So I did the joke and actually got the slightest itsy bitsy trace of a smile from our friend in Blue. He then shone the light in Lamont’s face like a makeshift little spotlight. Lamont did a joke about women who have blowjobby faces. I was so pissed. An opportunity like this and he did a hacky blowjob joke. I should have left him there.

Officer Top Cop then let us off without even giving us a ticket. Amazing. I can’t believe I got out of a ticket, or a beating, by telling a joke.

Hopefully at some point this encounter will be on Real Stories of the Highway Patrol.


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