Copyright 2015 Jesse Gersten | All Rights Reserved.

Unsuccessful Suicide

Thing 1

Today I saw a woman with the most gigantic ass I’ve ever seen on a mammal. It was as if she stuffed her jeans with a pair of fully grown pheasants. She has to be the only person that’s taller when she’s sitting than when she’s standing up.

Thing 2

Not long ago I was at a dinner party where there was a girl who had the most horrifying laugh that’s ever pierced my sensitive ear canal. It was like a sickly laughing hyena was driving a car with faulty brakes and major exhaust issues. After she would laugh, she would choke. It was like god was trying to teach her a lesson and I was just necessary collateral damage. The laugh was so incredibly painful. She’s like one of the villains on Heroes, but far more dangerous. I’d seriously rather get a root canal, rabies shots, and have someone with Parkinson’s and sandpaper gloves give me a back-alley rectal exam than have to listen to that laugh ever again. I tried to kill myself three times during dinner. The first time I tried to overdose on pain meds, but she laughed and I quickly vomited them back up. The second time I tried slitting my wrists, but her dastardly cackle created a thick scaly rash all over my skin that served as a patch over my wound. The final time I tried jumping from the roof, but my temporary insanity blinded me from the fact that I was jumping from a one story house, so I just sprained my ankle and cried myself to sleep, curled up in the fetal position in some thorny bushes in my neighbor’s back yard.

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