Copyright 2015 Jesse Gersten | All Rights Reserved.

Fried Space Mutant


The nasty little bugger was nesting on the south side of my plate. I was initially oblivious to its existence, but the look of fear on Paul’s face let me know that something was amiss. Something that could scare a grown man. Something evil. He slowly pointed to the mozzarella stick and I cautiously…perhaps stupidly, squeezed it between my trembling fingers and picked it up. It had a big red eye on its tip and was eerily reminiscent of the creatures from both Tremors and Dune, but scarier, like Tom Arnold in Big Bully. I was frightened, but that didn’t stop me from holding it high to show all the other patrons around the restaurant in an effort to spread the fear. While doing so, I noticed a spooky lady in the corner staring at me with glassy, deathlike eyes. She was clearly the evil spawn of Steve Perry and Liza Minnelli. I scowled and pointed the fried space mutant in her direction and she didn’t flinch even a little bit. She wasn’t scared at all. Perhaps she wasn’t of this planet. That would have to wait. My new pet growled softly as I slowly turned away from her and waited until our waitress returned so that I could get a to-go container to house my creepily edible companion. When she returned I put the infected digit into the Styrofoam container and closed it tight. I poked a couple of holes so that it could breathe, although I’m not certain that it doesn’t live on fear, or human blood, or even Sea Monkeys. Paul found a pen and wrote Dangerous Sea Creature Inside on the top of the container and drew a picture of a dangerous sea creature as a warning to all who may foolishly want to peer inside. When the waitress came back again, I asked her if she wanted to see what was inside of the container. She wasn’t amused and just said no before rudely walking away from me and my evil Mozzarella stick of doom.


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