Copyright 2015 Jesse Gersten | All Rights Reserved.

Chili Cheesy Type 3 Diabetes

Family ‘Too Fat to Work’ Collects Annual $30,000 Disability

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

A British family of four, who receives more than $30,000 a year in benefits because they are “too fat to work,” says they deserve more money, London’s Daily Telegraph reported.

Why don’t they open a pizza shop? I’ve never seen a pizza shop owner who didn’t look like they ferociously gobbled up all the pizzas that people didn’t pick up, or that dropped on the floor. They could market themselves as the first human bouncy castle and go to children’s parties to have kids jump up and down on their formerly unemployed tummies, with candy popping out their pockets like four giant inflatable British piñatas.

The Chawners, who live in Blackburn, England, have a combined weight of 1,160 pounds.

Wow! That’s as much as a little yellow school bus, or a fully-grown brontosaurus.

“What we get barely covers the bills and puts food on the table,” Philip Chawner, 53, told the newspaper. “It’s not our fault we can’t work. We deserve more.”

Call me stupid, but maybe that’s the problem. Put a little less food on the table and you’ll be millionaires in no time at all, like 2 or 3 weeks at the most. And with millions of dollars, imagine all the chocolate dipped fish n’ chips you can stuff your faces with. You definitely deserve more, just as the unemployed hippie stoner family down the road deserves more money to buy a new gold plated hookah and the most impressive Direct TV package that state money can buy.

Philip and his wife Audrey, 57, weigh 336 pounds each. Daughters Emma, 19, and Samantha, 21, weigh in at 236 pounds and 252 pounds, respectively.

Sounds like they named their kids after cows, or maybe it’s the other way around. That would make sense if the family developed their own language to make it easier to talk with a mouth filled with countless types of food. The new language would more than likely sound like moos.

Audrey Chawner, who has epilepsy and asthma as a result of being overweight, told “Closer” magazine her family’s weight is genetic and they cannot afford to eat healthier.

At least they take responsibility for their situation, otherwise I’d lose some respect for them. I don’t know what genetic means, but I’m assuming it has something to do with fondue and chili cheesy waffle fries.

Philip Chawner has Type 2 diabetes and was eligible for gastric band surgery until he developed a heart condition.

Maybe he should eat more. If he can elevate his blood sugar level to that of a living, breathing snickers bar, then he can progress to the elusive, nonexistent Type 3 diabetes, which is relatively harmless due to its lack of inclusion in the Big British Book of Diseases. The Big in BBBD was added after the much-publicized lawsuit by Michael Bivins.

“I’m a student and don’t have time to exercise,” Emma Chawner said. “We all want to lose weight to stop the abuse in the street, but we don’t know how.”

If you call your street abusers names in response, quite possibly they’ll throw rocks and caramel apples, which in turn would force you to run, either away from the rocks and apples, or towards the caramel. That would solve the exercise dilemma. Don’t thank me, just send me some of your well-deserved money to help me pay for my fruits and vegetables.

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