Copyright 2015 Jesse Gersten | All Rights Reserved.

Salmonella and Snickerdoodle for the Fat Homeless Kids

With only a few hours left before Easter is over, I’m super excited to announce the 2nd annual Easter Egg Hunt for the Homeless. To avoid any confusion, the event isn’t designed to actually help homeless kids, so much as give them something fun to do to keep them out of trouble, with the lure of the fame and prizes that comes along with winning this soon to be prestigious event.

I’m not entirely happy that Easter lies on a Sunday, as I need to get up early for work tomorrow. Hopefully the Easter committee can make it a point of having the holiday lie on a Friday or Saturday next year. I like the idea of sleeping in the day after my charitable event so that I can make myself some waffles and Snickerdoodle cookies without worrying about doing stuff for homeless kids, or even worse, having them try to steal my assorted Snickerdoodliciously flavored treats, including the aforementioned cookies, as well as coffee and more than likely some Snickerdoodle flavored Orange Juice, so that I can load up on Vitamin C without having to consume anything missing the special holiday themed ingredient.

I don’t actually celebrate Easter, being a Jew and all, but I feel like I have an obligation to those who are less fortunate than Jews, and to a lesser extent, the rest of society. My people may not believe that Jesus has magical powers, but what kind of people would we be to criticize a holiday that celebrates the alleged youthful savior’s cute little bunny. I love animals and if I had a bunny I would hope that when I died, if my bunny was still alive, people would make it have eggs, then paint the eggs and hide them. It would be the right thing to do.

The Easter Egg Hunt will begin inside of an unlit tunnel underneath a bridge in Central Park in NYC. I’m not giving the specific location because I figure that if you can’t find the starting point of the hunt, you most certainly aren’t going to be smart enough to find the winning egg.

I will hide eggs under cars, inside of abandoned and currently occupied crack-houses, in a vat of mystery Easter juice located in a South Bronx meth-lab, in sewage pipes, bowls of dog food left for stray Pitbulls, in dumpsters, wells, hooker’s purses, and other fun places around town, including a half-dozen drug mules who were given eggs with instructions to put them in extra creative hiding places.

This will be an especially fun Easter Egg Hunt because there will be not 1, but 2 winning eggs. Whenever an egg is found, it should be cracked open without hesitation. One of the winning eggs will have a live baby chicken inside of it. The prize for finding this egg will be a new pet baby chicken. The other eggs will contain egg. These eggs must be eaten right away. The winning egg will be the one that does not contain salmonella. I will know who wins by eliminating all the homeless kids who get violently ill. The champion egg finder will receive half of a turkey sandwich and the sweatpants that I’m wearing at this very moment. They’re almost new, except for a couple of small holes and a smell that I don’t particularly like, but to the winning child they will smell of victory and most certainly will be an improvement over whatever his or her current pants smell like.

Homeless fat kids will find my hunt to be even more beneficial, as they’ll either end up winning, or losing weight after getting salmonella. So they end up winning either way.

I don’t want people telling me how wonderful I am for doing this amazing deed for the underprivileged kids of the street. The look on the face of the child who gets to eat my half-sandwich while wearing my sweatpants will be reward enough. And it feels good knowing that some lonely child will have the loyalty and companionship of an adorably little baby chicken.

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