Copyright 2015 Jesse Gersten | All Rights Reserved.

Edible Redneck Magic Wands


I just saw two dudes at Target wearing matching Iron Maiden shirts with corresponding “how many points does a penagram have?” hairdos. Unless I missed the memo that the New Haven green over by Yale was having a Concert in the Park featuring Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath, and Norah Jones, hosted by Stephen Hawking, I’m guessing they were on a mission to find a do-it-yourself sacrifice kit without having to break the bank.

The murder-in-a-box kits must have been sold out as they left holding a solitary piece of Jerky. I’m not sure how the edible redneck magic wand is going to help them pay homage to the Prince of Darkness, unless they planned on kidnapping a Long Island Jewish Princess then making her eat the Jerky without dipping it in cream cheese and not allowing a glass of wine to wash it down. If they made her do this in front of her friends, she would die of shame quicker than an anorexic being stabbed in the heart with poison laced dagger made from a frozen Snickers bar.

Hopefully they’ll target one of their own. A little cerebrally deficient population control never hurt anyone, except possibly the GameStop who will have to find another talking mullet to manage their store.


Leave a comment