Copyright 2015 Jesse Gersten | All Rights Reserved.

Aye Carumba its Snookis Chinese Vagina

Ting Wun

I’m soooo sleeeeeepy. There’s been a construction crew working right outside of my apartment for the past week or so. If there were any roosters in my town, they’d equally annoyed at having their slumber interrupted. The banging and drilling and yelling is so loud seems like its right in my bedroom. It’s like I’m being woken to a live performance of Telemundo with Tools. I’m considering learning Spanish so I can curse at them through my window.

Ting Too

I was flipping through the channels and came across cartoon chipmunks singing Right Round. Ok… so I’m not sure exactly where the bar stands for when a rapper has crossed over into official sellout status. That being said, I’m fairly certain that when you cash your first royalty check from 20th Century Fox for the right to have your rap song performed by Alvin and the Chipmunks, you’re in grave danger of having your ghetto pass revoked. It doesn’t help the cause when the Chipmunk’s version is better than yours. Now, I do realize that Right Round was originally done by Dead or Alive in the 80s, but making fun of The Flow Rider is far more amusing.

Ting Tree

I was DJing a bachelor party last weekend and one of the drunk guys there decided to show off by pulling out one of his enormous balls. I tried looking away, but it was so gigantic that I couldn’t have missed it if I were blind. It made me want to stab my peripheral vision in the rib cage. It was like a tumor given its own hour long special on the Discovery Channel. This oversized nut made the worlds fattest babies featured on the cover of the Inquirer seem like a malnourished Sea Monkey in comparison. The most horrific crime scene ever witnessed by human eyes would be less traumatic. Looking directly into the sun would be less damaging to my corneas, pupils, and the wires that attach them to my brain.

Ting For

My cousin is in Beijing right now getting married. I feel bad for his brother and sisters because they need to learn Chinese if they want to communicate with their new sister-in-law’s family. I had it a little easier. My sister married a black guy, so all I had to do was learn a new handshake and remember to randomly add izzle to the end of words.

Ting Phyve

Speaking of Asian people. If anyone was searching for one of them the Saturday before last, they were definitely at Foxwoods. Every single Asian person in the world was there. The only thing missing was Godzilla. I’m still not sure what brought every Asian person in the world to Foxwoods. Perhaps there was a Fuji convention? Quite possibly I missed the press conference where the King of China announced that they invented an Egg Roll that is better at math than the average American child? Maybe free dinners were being given to anyone under 5 feet tall? I can’t think of any other reasons, so I’m 93 percent sure that it has something to do with the super smart Egg Roll.

Ting Sicks

The lady at the Wendy’s drive-through window earlier today had the hairiest arms I’ve ever seen. She could have braided the hair on her arms, or made little arm dreadlocks. Rapunzel could have used her arm hairs to rappel down the tower and escape from captivity. It was like Snooki’s vagina, but with fingers. Well, maybe not that hairy, but you get the point.

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