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Gooey Splenda Facials at the Regal Beagle

City to get RoboCop statue with fan funding

DETROIT (Reuters) – From sci-fi cult film, to Twitter phenomenon to Detroit landmark-in-the-making.

SpaceBalls? Sweet! I’ve been writing my senator for years to have a Pizza the Hutt statue built. I guess I’ll have to move to Detroit so I can make scheduled pilgrimages. Maybe they’ll also make a Rick Moranis statue with tiny little statues of all the little kids he shrunk and enslaved.

Plans for a statue honoring RoboCop, the half-man, half-machine crimefighter of the 1987 movie, are moving ahead after a group of artists and entrepreneurs in Detroit, Michigan raised more than $50,000 via Facebook and an online fund-raising site.

Robocop? Huh? Not SpaceBalls? Well, at least I can rest assured that there is no longer any homeless people in Detroit since they’ve moved on to raising funds for a RoboCop statue. They’re probably also banking on the secondary effect of the scare it will put into criminals, just like the dummies in cop cars used to keep people from speeding. Also the mannequins. And don’t get me started on the aircraft monitoring speeders. I speed just so I can one day have a plane land on the highway in front of me to give me a ticket.

“It hit a sweet spot. It’s a fun and funny idea to build a statue of RoboCop,” said Jeff Paffendorf, who helped lead the project inspired by a whimsical suggestion sent to Detroit Mayor Dave Bing via Twitter last week.

Yes, very funny. Hysterical. I’ve got bruises on my thighs from slapping them so hard. Sweet is also a very accurate description. I remember while watching RoboCop having to wipe away the tears and not having any tissues left because I had just finished watching Chuck Norris’ equally sweet performance in Silent Rage. In fact, while the robot half of RoboCop obviously bleeds oily computer juice, the human side actually bleeds liquid Splenda, making him the perfect partner for the times when Dunkin Donuts screws up your coffee. Plus he’s not like all the other cops, who the second you turn your head eat up all the Boston Cream donuts. Then you have to deal with them denying it, while their face looks like it spent ten minutes in a dark alley with Ron Jeremy.

Wait a second… how did I miss the fact that someone who doesn’t go to Hogwarts has the last name Paffendorf. They should make a statue of that funny little goblin.

Bing tweeted back at the time that there were no plans for a RoboCop statue, an off-hand remark that bounced around the Internet and generated calls for him to reconsider.

Good god, apparently Detroit elected a mayor named Bing who makes all his decisions via Twitter. An Eminem statue would at least be a little more respectable in that he is, umm… well… real? He also keeps it real, but that’s another story.

“There’s violence in ‘RoboCop,’ but through the film RoboCop tries to do the right thing,” Paffendorf said.

Right, pretty much like the good guy in every violent film ever made. They should make a John Ritter statue for his role in Problem Child. That kid was super violent and he always tried to do the right thing. And that’s not even considering Jack Tripper not murdering Suzanne Summers for her Thigh Master infestation reminiscent of the Bronx’s Great Bed Bug infestation during the summer of… well, any summer. Either way, as soon as I finish posting this I’m heading over to the Regal Beagle to do Patron shots and pick up chicks with Larry.

Bing’s office is still not convinced, but a spokeswoman said the city is studying how it could accept and display a gift RoboCop statue.

Detroit must be like the Garden of Eden, but with a higher unemployment rate. It’s nice that when half the city has no job, the mayor’s office has time to do a study on the logistics of accepting a gift RoboCop statue.

“We know there are a lot of people that care deeply about the issue, and we respect that,” said Karen Dumas of Bing’s office. “But I’m still not sure that RoboCop is the best message for the city of Detroit.”

Who is it that cares deeply about this issue? The guy who played RoboCop? His mom? Or possibly Jean Claude Van Damme, because he knows that this would strengthen his case for a Cyborg statue in Brussels.

Paffendorf said the RoboCop statue could go somewhere downtown if the city approves, perhaps near the landmark fist statue honoring legendary boxer Joe Louis.

Or in between the Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King Jr. statues would be perfect. He could protect them from injustice everywhere. It would be the safest I Have a Dream Bus Stop in all of downtown Detroit.

But if Detroit will not allow RoboCop on city-owned land, a nonprofit arts group plans to display the statue, he said.

Either way it’s getting done, period. In Detroit we fight for what’s really important and don’t give up until we’ve won, like RoboCop!

Paffendorf said a sculptor and a metal artist have been chosen to complete the job.

Initially they were going to have the project completed by a Baker and a Candlestick Maker, but Paffendorf worked with the mayors office to raise money for a study that initially made them switch to a Midget and an Orphan, but Kid Rock tweeted the brilliant idea to go with the sculptor and metal artist. Maybe he should be mayor. Or Mayor McCheese. He wouldn’t put up with this nonsense. If he was mayor, everyone would love the Fry Guy statues, which would cost much less to make since they’re little tiny creatures, like Tom Cruise, except they wouldn’t smell like Scientology.

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