Copyright 2015 Jesse Gersten | All Rights Reserved.

General Gaos Patriotic Anus


Before we delve into the pending issue of beautifully decorated cow anuses, I wanted to bring up the fact that lately I’ve been bombarded by Chinese spam. At least I’m pretty sure it’s spam. I’m getting comments left and right from the proprietors of a Mah Jong Casino, peddlers of both authentic and bootleg General Gao’s Penis Enlarging Pills, and Buddhist Temple Mortgage brokers. I quickly delete the messages, but a small part of me is afraid that they’re really not spam, but actually the tangible benefits of my rapidly growing Chinese fan base. I probably just deleted an invitation to do my routine in front of Emperor Ming.

Now on to the cow anuses. It’s moo time.

Just yesterday I ran into a pair of cow anuses. The first anus is a pleasant pink that gives the anus a feminine feel. The anus is velvety soft, smells like J-Lo’s perfume and is named Daria. She squirts the most delicious strawberry milk and has her boyfriends name tattooed on her leg, which leads me to believe that she used to be a stripper. She probably did very well for herself as cow strippers get asked into the champagne room all the time because the prominent belief is that they’ll do anything since they’re cows.

The second anus just happens to be the most patriotic anus ever. You can spend your entire life searching out various cow anuses and you’ll never find one that makes you feel as American as this particular anus. If you’re not careful you might just get smacked in the face from the stars and stripes shooting out of this magnificent anus. This anus tastes like apple pie and smells like baseball. If you stick your head into this anus, you’ll come out with a crew cut and a feeling of superiority and distrust of anything and anyone different from you, even if you’re forty and haven’t yet learned to read.

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