Ohio boy sells manly scented candles
(AP) MARYSVILLE, Ohio (AP) — A 13-year-old Ohio boy has launched his own line of scented candles meant for men, with fragrances that include bacon, New York-style pizza, sawdust and the smell of a fresh leather baseball mitt.
Being that I’m all about helping the youngsters, I’ve created a list of scented candles that this pint sized entrepreneur can add to his line and market towards specific groups of men.
1 – Kirsty Alley scented candles for tubby guys. What Double Stuffed-Crust Pizza Burger with super-sized fries eating manster can resist the scent of this former Jenny Craig superstar? These candles would smell like Fluffernutter coated ribs and unsuccessful Bulimia.
2 – Frat boys everywhere would go radio ga-ga over candles that emit the aroma of Roofies mixed with the tiniest whiff of Dane Cook.
3 – Video game nerds and Koreans everywhere would be willing to stand in line at GameStop for the midnight release of the next Call of Duty game, especially if the game came with a complimentary Vagina Spice candle. This one would be tricky to create. But with just the right balance of Massengill, elusiveness, and Sea Bass, I have faith that this would be a best seller.
4 – I already make big bucks selling candles at my synagogue that smell like Pennies and Lox, so number four is off limits.
5 – Gunpowder scented Jesus candles would be most popular in the Bible Belt. Add a little trailer park perfume, Penzoil, and some Larry the Cable Guy body odor and people in the Deep South would be Gittin’ Er Done all the way to the recycle centers to trade in their crushed beer cans to buy one, or half of one. As long as they had money left over after getting their Meth.
6 – Buttcrack candles for plumbers.
7 – Asian men would be all over candles that smell like a casino filled with skinny submissive naked white women with sushi covering their private parts.
8 – Black guys would call their overweight white girlfriends to buy candles that smell like overweight white girls. As long as they paid for the candles and took them to the mall to go shopping afterwards.