Copyright 2015 Jesse Gersten | All Rights Reserved.

Organ Bandit Aardvark Snuggles


In this ultra-important series of posts, I’m going to be exploring various sayings to either prove them to be accurate, or I’ll do everyone a favor by disproving them, killing and burying them deep in the cold hard earth, and then I’ll spit on their graves, mercilessly insult them, and steal flowers from their tombstone which I’ll use to try to hook up with single girls with self-esteem issues.

On to the first saying:

When you’re smiling, the whole world smiles with you

I turned on a web-cam in front of a Store 24 in downtown Karachi, Pakistan and smiled broadly so that I could see what kind of effect my blatant display of happiness would have across the world.

Sitting in front of the Asian bodega was an elderly homeless bag lady shaking from the bitter cold and overwhelming hunger pains. She was missing an arm, and from the look in her eyes, I’m guessing that she’s had organ bandits steal her spleen, liver, and at least one of her lungs. Her single hand was in possession of only three grey and boney fingers, which were gingerly holding a small piece of some sort of meat attached to a tail, probably from a recently deceased skunk or possum. There was a bottle of Colt 45 sitting on the sidewalk beside her.

All of the sudden a stray dog ran up to her and bit her three times before peeing on her blanket. The mangy mutt then stole the food in her hand and kicked over her malt liquor in the midst of his escape. He may have not been a dog at all since he was laughing hysterically during the whole incident, leading me to believe he may in fact have been a hyena.

At that very moment I was smiling brightly as I thought of the cartoon where I’m intimate with an aardvark. The most random things make me laugh, and there is nothing on this planet more random than that cartoon. I could clearly see that the beggar woman was not smiling back. She may have actually been grimacing from the dog bites. This didn’t make sense. She should be smiling back at me.

I was confused, so I thought of the time that my friend had a gang of rats jump onto his foot and bite him a bunch of times, which made me smile, giggle, and roflmao all over myself. I was certain that this would force her to show her tooth, thus improving her day a little. It would be my good deed for the day. A mitzvah if you will. But again…she didn’t smile back.

So either this happens to be one of the most selfish homeless people I’ve ever had the misfortune to come across, or I just disproved a timeless saying.

Either way they should name something after me.


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