After nearly six decades of painstaking research in the field of rubber animals, utilizing a myriad of scientific research methods such as placebos, protractors, and double-blind phone surveys, I have come to four conclusions:
1 – Of all the rubber animals, rubber ducks are the most baby-friendly, while rubber chickens not only scare all babies, but also most adults. There is also a surprisingly large market for the brand new “As Seen on TV” Vibrating Rubber Gerbil-on-a-Stick.
2 – Rubber housecats are amongst the most effective items used to smuggle heroin and counterfeit Gucci purses into the states, along with rubber frogs, and rubber kangaroos.
3 – Hanging oneself using a rubber chicken is the seventh funniest way to commit suicide, right after snorting a freshly birthed Chia-Pets and letting it grow into your brain, which has held steady at number six for three years straight. New to the top ten is watching MTV until your brain actually explodes, which has shot up to number three since you can achieve this result in as little as six-and-a-half minutes if you happen to start your suicide during Sixteen and Pregnant. Number two is enduring a full length Louis Anderson comedy show while he sits on your face.
4 – Saying “Aflac!” in a silly voice, much like Gilbert Gottfried before he was fired for having the courage to tell the truth about Godzilla and MechaGodzilla’s role in Japan’s tragedy, is infinitely funnier when holding a rubber chicken than with a rubber duck, especially if you’re scaring an abandoned toddler.