Here is but a sampling of the strange accidents, injuries, and occurrences that make up my so called life. This list is by no means complete, but for today it’ll have to make do. Happy Birthday to Me!
The second I bit into the Jalapeno Popper that I had just seconds earlier taken out of the oven I realized my grave error. Not being even remotely patient enough to let them cool to a mild boil, they were still scalding hot. As my teeth closed into the crispy popper shell, a gooey burst of cheesy-lava surprise spattered onto my chin. I yelped in painful surprise at the audible sizzle. You could smell the sweet and what would normally be a delicious combination of cream cheese, Jalapeno, and burning flesh. I proudly wore a bright red hickey colored burn mark on my chin for a couple of weeks.
Riding my bicycle up a steep hill, I was distracted while daydreaming about something, more than likely involving juggling monkeys or someone slipping on the ice. Obviously not paying even the teeny-tiniest bit of attention to my directionality, I rode my bike right into a car. A parked car. As if that wasn’t bad enough, this particular parked car had people sitting inside of it. And as if riding my bike into a parked car with people sitting in it didn’t satisfy the god of embarrassment’s daily cravings, the car was facing my direction, angled downhill so that it’s occupants could see the entire scene develop from intro to closing credits. I didn’t just fall down like every other human being on this planet would have. I flipped my bike so that I was upside down, staring at the birds flying through the clouds, ridiculing me with their hurtful chirps and tweets. Usually I can play things off pretty well, but given the immensity of my awkwardness I did the only thing I could think of, which was to get up, not say a single word and ride off pretending like nothing at all had happened.
As a tiny little snowbound Jew, I was warming my chilly tushy after coming home from the ski slopes. Getting a tad bit too close to the fireplace, I ended up burning a grill mark right onto my little behind.
Working for Pizza Hut as a delivery driver, I toppled a stop sign while being distracted by a bikini girl. In my defense, the stop sign was in the middle of the road, not on the side of it where stop signs clearly belong, so I never actually left the road and thus cannot take the blame. But on the other hand, it’s not like the sign was invisible…
With bills out of control, I got an advance from work to try to catch up a little bit. I went straight to the horse track and lost all the money and while driving home in the pouring rain I totaled my car.
As a youngster I used to get bloody noses all the time. When I was in 6th grade, we were about to take a test that I was woefully unprepared for so I did what anyone else would have done… I punched myself in the nose and proclaimed to the teacher that my nose was about to have its monthly visitor and demanded she send me to the nurse. She didn’t believe me so I bled all over the floor. She then sent me to the nurse and I avoided an unavoidable D+. Go me!
Walking around the corner at work I took a monumental spill. This was when I was much larger, so the fall could aptly be compared to one of the giant Imperial Walkers in Return of the Jedi, tumbling to the ground after getting caught in a trap set by one of those pesky Ewoks. It was the most awkward falls recorded in the long illustrious history of falls. It transpired in slow motion and if my memory serves me right I think there was even a musical score in the background. The whole time I was falling I was praying that nobody was watching. I saw my life flash in front of my eyes. As I hit the ground with an earth-rattling thump that registered an 8.7, I quickly looked up. OH NO! Jane was sitting a mere five feet from the scene of the accident. She didn’t even look up. Amazing. How could she have possibly missed it? Was she was deaf. She must be. Had I been working with a lip reader for the past year without knowing it? That was the only rational explanation I could conjure in my emotionally wounded brain. I wiped the sweat off my brow and breathed a deep sigh of relief. No one had seen me. I was in the clear. As I picked myself up, I saw the one solitary thing I had hoped to avoid. Down the hall, Paul was staring right at me with the biggest Cheshire Cat grin you’d ever want to punch off someone’s stupid smug face. I knew from that moment on that I’d never hear the end of this story and I haven’t. But I can always bring up the time he was attacked by a gang of orphan rats who bit him all over his shoe and stole his lunch, so I think we’re even. I still want to mace him in his eyeballs for seeing me single-handedly create a fault line connecting Harvard and MIT.