Copyright 2015 Jesse Gersten | All Rights Reserved.

Meth in a Bible and Al Queda Bar-Mitvahs

Bible-only Reading at US jail (AFP)

WASHINGTON (AFP) – The US Department of Justice has filed a complaint against a South Carolina sheriff for letting one of his prisons bar inmates from reading anything but the Bible.

I’m this really that much of an issue? Seriously… Banning prisoners in South Carolina from reading anything is like banning fat Hawaiian babies from competing in the Ironman Triathlon.

In the complaint filed this week in a Charleston court, the Justice Department said requests by numerous inmates at Berkeley County Detention Center for everything from correspondence course materials and magazines to legal newsletters have been denied by the office of Sheriff H. Wayne DeWitt.

Ok, this is going too far. I might, and I repeat, might… believe that a prisoner in South Carolina would request a Hee Haw picture book, or possibly a written transcript of a Benny Hill episode, or maybe even a Jeff Foxworthy calendar, but legal newsletters? They done lost their marbles.

“Indeed, the only book, magazine, newspaper or religious publication that defendants consistently permit prisoners to possess is the Bible,” the complaint read.

The only reason they would want a Bible is because it’s thick enough to hollow out to use as a hiding place for shanks, meth, and tattoo needles.

Prison officers even hand out King James Bibles for free to prisoners, but a Jewish prisoner who asked for a Torah and two Muslim inmates who requested copies of the Koran were told they could only have them if family members personally delivered the holy books to the jail.

This story is making less sense by the second. I would hardly believe it if you told me there was a Jew in South Carolina, and you’re expecting me to believe that this imaginary Jew resides in prison? Talk about not having a group to belong to. I feel a little bad. He must be so lonely. Who does he have to complain to when they have a pig roast on Passover? Did he get arrested for failure to display a confederate flag on his Lexus while traveling from his home in Long Island to visit his parents in Boca Raton? In South Carolina you’re more likely to run into a UFO or a Bigfoot than a Jew. Even the lawyers in South Carolina are gentiles. There’s more Bar Mitzvahs performed in Al Queda compounds annually than in South Carolina. This is like running into a South Carolinian inside of a classroom at Harvard.

When one of the Muslim inmates arranged for his girlfriend to bring a Koran to the prison, the sheriff’s office refused to pass it on to the prisoner.

In their defense, she smuggled it into the prison in her butt, so it wasn’t very sanitary and didn’t smell very nice.

The Justice Department said the practice violates several laws and the First Amendment of the US Constitution, which guarantees freedom of religion.

It’s ok to be forcibly coerced into tossing the collective salads of the cast from The Hills Have Eyes, but god forbid you’re not allowed to read about Davey and Goliath’s zany adventures, or how Jesus had a pet bunny who laid colorful eggs all over the holy land.

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