Copyright 2015 Jesse Gersten | All Rights Reserved.

Shaniqua the Go-Go Chicken

Woman does ‘mouth-to-beak’ to save chicken ARKADELPHIA, Ark.

Danke Schoen Senor Arkansas… I was growing weary of ridiculing Kentuckians. And I would have given anything to have been a fly on the wall during the town counsel meeting where they decided that if Arkansas married its half-brother Philadelphia (this marriage would have to take place in Arkansas, where this would all be perfectly legal) and had a tiny little incest love child, that baby would be called Arkadelphia, and that would also be the name of their 12 family/2 daddy trailer park.

–Sometimes a chicken does have lips, just not her own. Marian Morris saved her brother’s exotic chicken, Boo Boo, by administering “mouth-to-beak” resuscitation on the fowl after it was found floating face down in the family’s pond.

What genius (anything above a GED) decided to name their exotic chicken Boo Boo? Boo Boo sounds like a retarded cow, or a retarded ghost. An exotic chicken should be named something sexy chicken- like, such as Porsche, Shaniqua the Go-Go Chicken, or Jasmine. It also helped the typical family pond in Arkansas consists of a plastic children’s Dukes of Hazard wading pool or a half-full spit-can. This topography was necessary to avoid her drowning while she tried to save the chicken.

Shaniqua the Go-Go Chicken can be found working the pole at the Cluck F@ck in downtown Little Rock.

Morris, a retired nurse, said she hadn’t had any practice with CPR in years, but that she was interested to see if she “still had it.”

Does that mean she was fixing to see if she could still make a chicken corpse come to life like she used to do as a barely legal farmgirl? It’s like Re-Animator meets the Hills Have Eyes, but much scarier.

“I breathed into its beak, and its dad-gum eyes popped open,” Morris said. “I breathed into its beak again, and its eyes popped open again. “I said, ‘I think this chicken’s alive now. Keep it warm.'”

I actually won my 5th grade Spelling Bee with the word dad-gum. Some other words I correctly spelled on my path to glory were dog-nabbit, jumpin-jahoosephats, hooooooeeeey, and your kind aint welcome round here.

Morris said she was pleased to find that the bird she saved was an “exotic,” and not just an ordinary chicken.

Ordinary chickens aren’t as “grateful”, and don’t go out of their way to “return the favor”. Exotic chickens on the other hand, deliver poultry-based lap dances from your wildest fantasies.

The chicken is called Boo Boo, because she is easily frightened. The family thought Boo Boo was startled and flopped into the pond.

The chicken is called Boo Boo because that’s the only word that their 12-year-old son done learned.

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