Copyright 2015 Jesse Gersten | All Rights Reserved.

Mister Chocodile’s Meat Surprise Two Ways

They should definitely make these non-toxic. That’s a disaster waiting to happen. And it’s not going to have a long wait. If the circumference of your equator warrants this particular purchase, at some point you’re going to slip in the shower, after which you’d end up going into starvation mode after a couple of difficult hours, which would force you to eat your only true friend. When your mom used to clean your feet, she would cry and beg you to stop eating Chocodiles. Now you’re flopping around helplessly in the tub, and the only things that could temporarily fix the paralyzing emotional pain you feel when you’re not eating something, are your fingers and your EasyFeet. Your fingers might look more delicious, like a plump, perfectly boiled CheddarWurst. But more than likely the EasyFeet’s well earned aroma is more palatable and probably safer than the scents and pathogens being released into the air from the juices oozing out of your finger’s cavernous pores. You’d have to eat the EasyFeet. It’s inevitable, so it shouldn’t be inedible.

It’s ridiculous how much sense these make in prison. You could make a shank out of the Pumice stone. Or you could make a Chess piece like in Shawshank Redemption. Any product that can claim to reduce both athlete’s foot and rape is a good product indeed. Indeed. Even if it falls apart after one shower it would be well worth it. That one shower might be the first time you run into a brand new prisoner, who just that same day transferred from another prison because he made so many enemies due in no small part to his being an allegedly rampant booty bandit. Not knowing that, you’d have no reason to suspect anything when he playfully suggests that you bend over to scrub your stinky feet. Then, just as you’re getting to the little piggy that went wee wee wee wee weeeeeee alllll the way home, your new friend will be so far up in your stuff that when he pulls out and makes you kiss the baby fist, you’ll be able to taste the Meat Surprise you had for lunch. If this was Iron Chef, you’d call that Meat Surprise Two Ways. Either that, or a Deconstructed Tea Bagging. And all that is just the salt in a fresh wound from the terribly itchy athletes foot that could have been prevented by wearing the patented upside down dish scrubbers.

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