Fri Feb 26, 2:56 pm ET

DAYTON, Ohio – Law enforcement officers in southwest Ohio were chugging down alcoholic drinks this week as part of a training exercise on how to give field sobriety tests. Several police officers and deputy sheriffs in Montgomery County volunteered to drink so colleagues could practice conducting the tests given to suspected drunk drivers.

How did they ever manage to find police officers willing to volunteer their valuable time to get drunk in the name of better police work? Especially since they have to get drunk after work as well, and for most of them, before work too. Soon they’ll be mixing up other aspects of their lives by having them abuse their partners and plant drugs in their kid’s backpacks. Oh, the confusion…

Dayton officer Will Wright says officials wanted officers to drink until they had slurred speech, glassy eyes and a lack of coordination.

Upon entering the “training facility”, the Irish officers in the study were told “job well done”, given a pat on the butt, and allowed to leave, whereupon the proud officers decided to continue the training exercise on their own time.

One test required intoxicated officers to walk heel-to-toe down a line and then hold up one leg to demonstrate balance.

An extra 10 points were given for a proper Nazi salute.

Wright says he hopes the exercise at the Dayton Police Academy helped officers gain a better understanding of how to deal with impaired drivers.

The first step was to make better use of confiscated alcohol that would previously have been poured onto the ungrateful pavement. Using the confiscated alcohol for more training exercises was an obvious choice for step number two. The third step was to drink the confiscated alcohol before beating the impaired drivers instead of afterwards in order to add a little enjoyment to an otherwise stressful job. Step four is a toast to a successful study before repeating steps one through three.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

A British family of four, who receives more than $30,000 a year in benefits because they are “too fat to work,” says they deserve more money, London’s Daily Telegraph reported.

Why don’t they open a pizza shop? I’ve never seen a pizza shop owner who didn’t look like they ferociously gobbled up all the pizzas that people didn’t pick up, or that dropped on the floor. They could market themselves as the first human bouncy castle and go to children’s parties to have kids jump up and down on their formerly unemployed tummies, with candy popping out their pockets like four giant inflatable British piñatas.

The Chawners, who live in Blackburn, England, have a combined weight of 1,160 pounds.

Wow! That’s as much as a little yellow school bus, or a fully-grown brontosaurus.

“What we get barely covers the bills and puts food on the table,” Philip Chawner, 53, told the newspaper. “It’s not our fault we can’t work. We deserve more.”

Call me stupid, but maybe that’s the problem. Put a little less food on the table and you’ll be millionaires in no time at all, like 2 or 3 weeks at the most. And with millions of dollars, imagine all the chocolate dipped fish n’ chips you can stuff your faces with. You definitely deserve more, just as the unemployed hippie stoner family down the road deserves more money to buy a new gold plated hookah and the most impressive Direct TV package that state money can buy.

Philip and his wife Audrey, 57, weigh 336 pounds each. Daughters Emma, 19, and Samantha, 21, weigh in at 236 pounds and 252 pounds, respectively.

Sounds like they named their kids after cows, or maybe it’s the other way around. That would make sense if the family developed their own language to make it easier to talk with a mouth filled with countless types of food. The new language would more than likely sound like moos.

Audrey Chawner, who has epilepsy and asthma as a result of being overweight, told “Closer” magazine her family’s weight is genetic and they cannot afford to eat healthier.

At least they take responsibility for their situation, otherwise I’d lose some respect for them. I don’t know what genetic means, but I’m assuming it has something to do with fondue and chili cheesy waffle fries.

Philip Chawner has Type 2 diabetes and was eligible for gastric band surgery until he developed a heart condition.

Maybe he should eat more. If he can elevate his blood sugar level to that of a living, breathing snickers bar, then he can progress to the elusive, nonexistent Type 3 diabetes, which is relatively harmless due to its lack of inclusion in the Big British Book of Diseases. The Big in BBBD was added after the much-publicized lawsuit by Michael Bivins.

“I’m a student and don’t have time to exercise,” Emma Chawner said. “We all want to lose weight to stop the abuse in the street, but we don’t know how.”

If you call your street abusers names in response, quite possibly they’ll throw rocks and caramel apples, which in turn would force you to run, either away from the rocks and apples, or towards the caramel. That would solve the exercise dilemma. Don’t thank me, just send me some of your well-deserved money to help me pay for my fruits and vegetables.

By Catherine Donaldson-Evans

Johnny Weir is fired up over comments by a pair of Canadian broadcasters who suggested his costumes and “body language” set a bad example for male skaters and joked he may have to take a gender test.

Fired up? Flame on! He was just miffed because taking a gender test while wearing a unitard is more difficult than peeing in a wedding dress, or playing twister while wearing one of those giant sumo outfits. And as far as body language goes, what he was pretending to eat was only a Popsicle, but that’s an understandable mix-up from the people who confuse bacon with ham.

“I’m not somebody to cry about something or to be weak about something,” Weir, 25, told a press conference in Vancouver on Wednesday. “I felt very defiant when I saw these comments.”

He then added, “meow, meow, meow… hisssssss.”

Last week, broadcasters Claude Mailhot and Alain Goldberg of RDS, a French-language sports channel in Quebec, mused on air if Weir was unfavorably judged during one of his typically flamboyant routines because he wore a semi-see-through pink and black outfit.

I’m not certain a gender test is really necessary for someone wearing see-through pink and black crotchless spandex chaps with a cape adorned with feathers and sequins.

“This may not be politically correct, but do you think he lost points due to his costume and his body language?” Mailhot said.

If they were subtracting points for sprightly costumes, they could just take away 3 points for all the men and make 7 a perfect score.

Goldberg responded that Weir’s mannerisms might hurt other men competing in the sport. “They’ll think all the boys who skate will end up like him,” he said. “It sets a bad example.”

Considering a figure skating event is like a Cher concert on ice, I don’t think that his outfit is really going to make much of an impact one way or another. The Cutting Edge was only a movie, not real life.

The pair joked that Weir should take a gender test like female South African runner Caster Semenya was forced to undergo after stirring up speculation that she was really a man. Mailhot suggested Weir should compete against women.

Doesn’t he do that already?

“It wasn’t these two men criticizing my skating, it was them criticizing me as a person, and that was something that really, frankly, pissed me off,” Weir told reporters. “Nobody knows me. … I think masculinity is what you believe it to be.”

“But if they’d like to get to know me, I’ll be waiting in room 418.”

Movies for Blind People – First of all… as I’ve mentioned before, they already have movies for blind people, which most people refer to as the radio. Unless you’re talking about Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, which falls under the category of Movies that make people blind, or Movies that make people envy the blind.

Black Ethiopian Porn – This has me wondering why someone felt the need to specify a particular race. He must have been safeguarding against the possibility that his valuable self compu-loving time could be wasted by some selfish white Ethiopian sharecropper who moonlights in the burgeoning east African porn industry. If you’re not turned on by highly visible skeletal structures and grain burns on the knees, then you’re probably better off watching the circling flies engage in consensual copulation.

Police Ballgag – As if police related activity didn’t make me uncomfortable enough without throwing ball gags into the mix. Is the ball gag used to keep people from mouthing off when rogue cops decide to have a little too much fun with their nightsticks? Either way I’m a little bit disturbed.

Bill Hicks 2010 Tour Dates – This one baffles me the most. Will he be controlled like a marionette with strings attached to all his moveable parts? You could either play one of his cds or have someone backstage doing his jokes and move his mouth to make it seem like he’s talking. Carlos Mencia would work nicely for this. It would be an impressive tour, with Hicks, Kinison, Richard Pryor, and Abe Vigoda. Watch out for the Laugh Til’ You Drop Tour, coming soon to a city near you.

Roofie Porn – They actually have another word for this. Its called rape, and whatever creep was responsible for this Google search, stay away from my site, and castrate yourself, in that order.

Jujitsu Jesus – I guess a little self-defense training might have helped Jesus a little bit. But then again, if things turned out differently, what would Italians put around their necks?

no ofence to yu but i think that stand up comedy is trash!!! id rather watch skit comedy…or jus watcha tv show that a comedian stars in!! cus theres more jokes and its as if he shows me wat to think he acts it out for me instead of thinkin of it myself in my head!!! comedy isnt sumtihng ur imaginiation shows u..its sumthing that that comedian does threw HIS/HER imagination!!….so i guess that i wont find ur stuff funny!! seeing as i got alot of stress in my life ia int got alot of reasons to laff right now!!! peace

1 – Of all the rubber animals, rubber ducks are the most baby-friendly, and rubber chickens not only scare all babies, but also most adults. There is also a surprisingly large market for the new rubber gerbil-on-a-stick.

2 – Rubber ducks are amongst the most effective items used to smuggle heroin into the states, along with rubber frogs, and rubber housecats.

3 – Hanging oneself using a rubber chicken is the 7th funniest way to commit suicide, right after shoving freshly birthed Chia-Pets up your nose and letting them grow into your brain, which has held steady at #6 for 3 years straight.

4 – Saying “Aflac” in a funny voice like in the commercials is way funnier when holding a rubber chicken than with a rubber duck, especially if you’re scaring a runaway toddler.

5 – Walking by a storefront in Chinatown that has skinned chickens hanging in the window, pointing, and saying “Aflac” in the same funny voice as #4, is truly one of the funniest things ever, especially if you’re pointing with a giant foam #1 finger.